Phoenix

Unfinished. There must be a closure for everything. Women like to have a sense of resolution. It’s a necessity so they can finally move on, to proceed onto the next level. If closure isn’t achieved, then women tend to dwell and the pain hurts more than ever. But not all women are like that. There are those who can conquer their fears and defeat the excruciating pain that comes with life and love. With great strength and determination, the woman focuses on her goal a step at a time. In the end, you can just sit back and learn from her. You can only hope her strength is contagious. With a little smile or a little cough, maybe you can catch her strength. You smile at the thought. Just maybe.

You can see the pain in those blue eyes, her longing. You sit with her on the curb outside Bowl America. You watch the smoke from the Marlboro Lights swirl around her and make tiny halos on her hair, that redhead mane glistening as the sun sets. She seems hardened. By what, you wonder? Then she smiles. You realize you will never get to know the full of her nor could you ever truly understand her. Maybe you’ll comprehend parts of her, the part who seeks independence, the part who wants craziness, or the part that became your good friend. Like with all individuals who go through many experiences, similar or separate, you can only accept and sympathize. You can only nod and listen, maybe slightly understand. For her, she seeks for answers. She hopes to find solace and maybe even a bit of hope or faith. Everyone wants that, but it isn’t always possible. Circumstances arise that simply cannot be helped. Unresolved. Unfinished. Forever searching.

You must admit that sometimes you feel like you’re walking on eggshells around her. She doesn’t make things complicated. She’s simple really, and yet so intricate and complex. It’s a contradiction, but that’s what makes her so strong. You wish you weren’t so helpless. You wish you could make her smile or laugh or promise her that things would work for once. But these promises are going to be broken.

You both want the same thing. You’ve always wanted a picture perfect family. You become jealous when you see one of your friends living your fantasy. He even has the dog and the white picket fences. You are happy for him, but at the same time, you can’t help but wonder and envy. For her, you wish she didn’t have to experience what it was like to be in the middle. But in a way, it was what made her a stronger person. A survivor, a fighter. She builds this wall around her, so high and hard to climb. She’s a challenge, this friend. She shares with you what it’s like to be a child of divorce. You can only imagine what that feels like. Growing up, you feared for the separation of your parents. But you know that no one could see the fear by just looking at you or even knowing you. You hide it so well. You made sure you wore the right mask for the occasion, especially for you. For her, you’ve seen her take the mask off and she becomes streaked with tears. You love this girl because she reminds you of yourself. She’s a lot stronger than she realizes, and because of that, you are confident she will find whatever she’s searching for. She will resolve whatever is unfinished.

She’s had it rough. Do you know what it’s like to be in the middle? You listen to her tell you about wanting so much more. It’s no longer a set of family with a father, a mother, and their children. It’s more than that now. She now has a stepmom, a stepfather, a stepbrother, and a stepsister. And it all began when she was about four or five. Her memory should fail her, but she remembers it well when they walked out of each other's lives. It felt so wrong that it was right. No two people should have to subject any child to all the fighting, the yelling, the screaming, the pain, and the anger. Otherwise, she would grow up to be furious and insecure. She would grow up doubting love and life and anything good. She asks you how a person can fall in and out of love so easily. You don’t know. How can you answer that when one day that could be your fate? It’s not easy to explain the whys and the hows. It’s not easy to try and make someone understand, especially a child. The child grows up jaded. All you can hope for is that the child grows up to be a woman who finds faith and hope and strength. You can only hope for that much.

You look at her. She didn’t have the same experience that you did, but she wants what you want. She wants to fall in love. She wants to have a family that she never had, a family she could be proud of and finally belong. Do you see this when you look into her eyes? No, you couldn’t. But somehow you know. You just know because you want the same thing. Different and separate, it all comes down to wanting what you never had and making peace to what put the tears in your eyes and the sadness and bitterness in your heart. True, it might have made you a stronger person. It certainly gave her the strength you know was always in her, wanting to break free.